


I'm Not on Drugs! I Swear!

by charibob



Series: drugs [1]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Crack, F/M, Fairy Tales, so much crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-10
Updated: 2014-08-10
Packaged: 2018-02-12 13:41:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2112030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charibob/pseuds/charibob
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I'm not even going to attempt to explain this one!</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Not on Drugs! I Swear!

**Author's Note:**

> Repost from long ago and far away.
> 
> I'm really not on drugs! I swear! I'm also not typing this from a mental institute (although, after reading this, I'm wondering if maybe I should be.)

Once upon a time there was a young woman named Willow who's mother made her walk to her grandmother's house. Willow's grandmother was quite sick and lived all alone out in the woods. But even though it was a long journey and it was already getting dark outside, Willow's mother still made her walk.

Willow was about halfway to her destination when a peroxide blond man stopped her and asked her where she was going. She told the man about her poor sick grandmother and how she was going to go take care of her. 

The man replied, "I don't think so, Pet. I think that instead I am going to eat you up."

Now Willow, not wanting to get eaten by this strange man (even if he did have the most luscious features she had ever seen) ran away. The man followed her, easily keeping up, with a wolfish grin on his face the entire time (he so loved the chase, and the girl was the most delicious morsel that he had found in a long time.) 

After a few minutes, Willow came upon a house made of straw, a fact that she found quite odd but she wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth. She quickly entered the house, and strangely enough it seemed to stop the man. Willow breathed a sigh of relief as she saw the man turn and walk away. She turned around to examine the house that she had taken refuge in, and she found a large pig sitting in an armchair and watching a football game. 

The pig looked up at her and motioned to the other chair. Willow, not wanting to seem impolite (and planning to have a cat-scan the next day) sat and the two watched the game in silence for a little while.

All too soon, the sound of heavy machinery filled the air. The blond man had gone to the mayor (whom he wasn't fond of, but figured what the hell. He wanted that redhead and he'd deal with obnoxious city officials if it got him what he wanted) and had the house condemned as being unsafe. The blond man then went with the bulldozers to tear the house down.

Willow and the pig started to panic, and as the house fell down around them, they ran out the back. The blond man, enjoying the destruction, didn't even see them as they ran off.

Willow followed the pig to a house built of sticks, and they went inside to find another pig watching another football game. The two pigs soon began fighting over which game to watch, and the squeals could be heard for miles. The blond man heard and he and the construction equipment quickly found the house made of twigs. The construction crew (who had met the mayor and knew that he wouldn't want a shoddy house like that in his town) decided to tear it down too (they didn't want to have to deal with the mayor again. He was just a creepy guy.)

Willow and the pigs again went out the back, and again the blond man failed to notice (the house made of sticks made much cooler noises when it was being knocked down then the house of straw did.)

The pigs led Willow to yet another house. This house was made of brick, which relieved Willow to no end, because there was no way that the blond man could have this house torn down for being unsafe. There was yet another pig, only he was watching golf, which really pissed the other two pigs off because by their reasoning any football game, even one that they weren't watching, was better than golf.

The blond man and construction crew headed over to the sounds of the squealing and found a house that they couldn't tear down and the construction crew got all depressed (they were enjoying all the late night destruction too) but the blond man simply turned and headed back to town to have another talk with the mayor. 

He returned in a matter of minutes with a document saying that the city claimed the house by right of eminent domain and it was to be demolished to make way for the new highway. (In reality, the blond man simply told the mayor that the house was inhabited by pigs and the mayor had the house condemned before the blond man could even finish speaking. Pigs were dirty and the mayor didn't want any dirt in his city.)

The walls came tumbling down around them and the pigs and Willow again took off out the back. They ended up getting split up. The pigs went in one direction and Willow went in another. 

The pigs came to yet another cottage and went inside. 

Inside, they found three chairs sitting in front of the television and all sat down to watch tv. For the longest time they couldn't agree on what to watch until one of the pigs accidentally turned to the weather channel. All three pigs were instantly mesmerized for hours. Eventually though, they began to get hungry and went to look for something to eat. Lucky them, they found three bowls of porridge sitting on the table. The pigs quickly ate all of it and then went upstairs to have a nap. 

Just a few minutes after the pigs went to bed, the owners of the cottage, who just happened to be three bears (what were the odds?) came home. The bears went into the living room to watch their favorite show (Gentle Ben) and found that their chairs were all dirty. Disgusted and confused about how the chairs had gotten that way, the bears decided to go eat. When they got to the table, they found that all their food was missing. Now the bears were angry and hungry and confused and disgusted. They decided to go hibernate for a while, in the hopes that the next season would be better. When the bears got upstairs, they found breakfast in bed. 

And thus ends the tale of the three little pigs.

Oh, and if you were wondering, the blond man eventually caught up to Willow, and because she was so cute and since because of her he got to destroy stuff, the blond man decided to keep her, and they spent the rest of eternity chasing people and breaking stuff and eating eachother all up.

The end.


End file.
